Expectations, Opinions, and New Friends

Drop the Expectations, Personal Truths, New Friends, Marriage in Flux, Get Started

I.

Drop the Expectations

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.

Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

Our minds often formulate the most elaborate and spectacular illusions of what is possible. Before we even start something, our minds conjure up some kind of flawless outcome. Yet, it’s precisely these expectations that keep us from starting great things.

For example, take a novelist who believes she is ready to write the perfect story. In her mind’s eye, the tale will unfold flawlessly, sending her reader soaring to transcendent heights and gently plopping them back down onto the couch when they reach The End. In the novelist’s mind, her readers will get so high off the experience of reading her future story that it will become an instant bestseller and the best book ever written. And, of course, the novelist will become rich and famous as a result. The grand illusion is so wonderful that the writer finds herself eager to translate these visions into reality, that is, until the first few sentences make their way onto the screen and they are fiery garbage. It’s as if someone took a needle to her illusion’s bubble, and Pop!—it’s gone.

When we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our work, all we do is cause unnecessary suffering. Nothing humans do or create is perfect or guaranteed to result in anything—let alone “success.” When we fall victim to the illusion of perfectionism, we find ourselves upset on vacations because they weren’t good enough, in fights with loved ones because they didn’t measure up, or giving up on projects before we even get started. The mind creates illusionary standards, but we don’t live in an imaginary world. It’s only when we show up, do the very best that we can, and live our lives without any expectations of how things should be when we find that anything is possible.

II.

Personal Truths

Sometimes, we hear people express their personal opinions as if they represent the actual truth. We’ll even hear statements like, “That’s my truth” or “I’m just living out my truth.” To one extent or another, we all do this, whether we explicitly state it or not. But the truth about the truth is that it’s not personal. 

Truth is grounded in objectivity. And while the universe adheres to objective reality, individual people also have their own subjective reality. When I say “objective,” I’m referring to something measurable, like an object. And when I say “subjective,” I’m referring to things that relate to a subject, such as oneself. If one’s truth is not anchored in objective reality, it is not the truth; it’s an opinion. Clinging to personal truths often leads to conflict and self-inflicted suffering, as it’s hard to battle over an opinion. 

While opinions may not align with the objective truth, they still warrant respect. Our opinions are unique to us and our past experiences. But when we encounter strong opinions, it’s important to remember that while we have our own version of what we think is going on, everyone else has theirs. 

One theory I have on personal truths is that one’s stated “truth” might signify some inner secret or struggle they are hiding. When someone says, “You don’t understand my truth,” perhaps it’s because they have some “truth”—some secret—bottled up within them that they’re unwilling to disclose. Doing so would make their truth become the truth, and that can be a scary thing. Sometimes, we isolate ourselves with our secrets because we fear others won’t understand us if we reveal them. But if we want other people, especially our loved ones, to understand us and our opinions better, we must be willing to share the “truths” we have bottled up inside. 

III.   

New Friends

As we aim for a new destination, we often choose new company. 

Bernie Glassman, The Dude and the Zen Master

Over the past 2-3 years, my “destination” has changed significantly. I relinquished many ego-driven pursuits, like climbing the corporate ladder, and took on more creative pursuits, like this newsletter. Additionally, I’ve embraced positive practices such as generosity and gratitude, while actively working to break automatic negative responses like comparison and gluttony.

When you undergo big changes, the people you once surrounded yourself with when you were a different person may no longer see you in the same light. Some may welcome and even embrace your changes, while others might distance themselves. This is a harsh reality.

The prospect of making new friends amid big changes is hard, but doable. When you let go of relationships from your past, you make room for those who support the person you’re becoming.

If this is something you’re currently going through, allow me to share this upbeat chorus from Phil Collins’ On My Way:

Tell everybody I’m on my way

New friends and new places to see

With blue skies ahead

Yes, I’m on my way

And there’s nowhere else that I’d rather be

IV.   

Marriage in Flux

Changes don’t just affect our friendships; they also impact our romantic relationships. Throughout the duration of a marriage or domestic partnership, both partners will undergo several big changes that ultimately transform the entire dynamic of their relationship.

I once heard of marriage being likened to a dance. When two people first commit to each other, they start off dancing the same moves, creating a harmonious rhythm. Early on in the relationship, the dance is novel and exciting—the so-called “honeymoon phase.” However, as time passes, one partner may gradually introduce unfamiliar steps or initiate grooving to a new beat. The other partner is then left with a choice: adapt to these changes by learning some new moves, or abandon the dance altogether.

If we try to repeat the same moves throughout the entirety of our relationship, we risk losing our romantic partner. That’s because people change, whether we like it or not. Change doesn’t always have to be difficult, though; it can also be fresh and exciting. When visiting my mom’s friend Wendy, she shared that her relationship with her husband of thirtyish years had completely changed after he retired and their three kids moved out. He started new projects, adopted different hobbies, and even changed his style. Instead of feeling unsettled by these changes, Wendy found them invigorating. She said it was as if she was starting to learn who her husband was for the first time and falling in love with him all over again.

No one will stay the same forever, so we must be open to change—not just for ourselves, but for our partners.

V.   

Get Started

When big ideas come to us, we often hesitate to embrace them because we fear we are not “ready.” We think we don’t have enough information to start, or we feel underqualified for the task. But the truth is, you’ll never be able to obtain all the information on any subject because there’s an infinite amount of information out there. And when feelings of impostor syndrome arise, remember that anyone who’s ever achieved anything in this world started off as an impostor, too.

Take Jane Goodall, for example. She was an ordinary upper-middle-class English girl with a passion for animals, the daughter of a businessman and a novelist. In her early twenties, she journeyed to a friend’s farm in the Kenya highlands to experience African wildlife. While in Kenya, she took a job as a secretary for a palaeoanthropologist. Recognizing Goodall’s interest in primates, her boss sent her to London to study primate behavior and anatomy alongside prominent British researchers. While she knew little about primates before going to work with the experts, Jane showed up with what really mattered—a desire to listen, learn, and ask questions.

When you first start something new, you don’t need much. No one starts off as an expert—everyone figures out how things work along the way. When it comes to applying for a job, writing a book, learning a language, or starting a new hobby, the best thing you can do is just start.

But don’t just take it from me.

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Lastly, a BIG thank you is due to Veronica for your generous support – I’m beyond words!