It’s Better to Be Selfish and Happy
Self-Awareness, Judgment, Happiness, Self-Sacrifice, The Myth of Selflessness, Shooting Oneself in the Foot
This week’s 5 Big Ideas draw inspiration from the teachings of Anthony De Mello.
I.
Self-Awareness
Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; Who looks inside, awakes.
Attributed to Carl Jung
I think the only real kind of awareness we can experience is self-awareness. We are aware of what it’s like to be ourselves—to experience thoughts and emotions through our body—and that’s about it. While we can observe other people and our environment, we’re unaware of what it’s like to be other people. And other people are unaware of what it’s like to be us.
Everything we experience in life is filtered through our programming. This “programming” forms the foundation of what we call our perspective—the way we view ourselves and the world, based on our past experiences and beliefs. And we have a peculiar perspective on just about everything.
To better understand the world and our place in it, it’s best we start by trying to understand our perspective. Is it spoiled, oversensitive, downright incorrect? Of course it is. That’s why we shouldn’t always trust our perspective. Instead, we should question it. The more we understand where our thoughts come from—where we’re coming from—the more we realize that not everything is as it seems.
II.
Judgment
For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of man which is in him?
1 Corinthians 2:11 (KJV)
Other people, regardless of who they are and their relationship with us, are out for their own self-interest, not ours. Because we do not know what it’s like to be other people—whether our mother, brother, spouse, or best friend—we cannot trust other people.
Yes, you read that correctly.
In truth, we cannot trust other people because we do not know what is going on inside other people. We do not know how they will act, or react, under pressure. We do not know if they will undermine us, leave us, or hurt us. We do not even know what they truly think of us. Therefore, we cannot trust them. (Sorry, Mom.)
But what we can trust is our own judgment of other people.
When used properly, our judgment (aka discernment) lies between us and the other people in our lives. Because we cannot trust people and our perspectives are faulty, we can leverage judgment to paint a more accurate picture of what other people are all about. Our judgment can provide us with a second opinion, and hopefully a clearer one than the one we’ve already got.
If you want to improve your life and the quality of your relationships, I suggest you begin by improving your judgment. The more you practice good judgment, the less disappointment and frustration you’ll encounter. When some people let you down, which they inevitably will, you’ll recognize that it wasn’t their fault—it was your fault for poorly judging them in the first place. If you can’t trust yourself and your own judgment, who can you trust?
(PS: My judgment tells me that my mom is a pretty trustworthy person, after all.)
III.
Happiness
A disciplined mind leads to happiness, and an undisciplined mind leads to suffering.
Dalai Lama XIV, The Art of Happiness
Because everyone else is self-interested, they are concerned with creating their own happiness, not yours. Therefore, it’s prudent to make your own happiness a priority.
When I say “happiness,” I’m talking about a happy life, not happy moments. I’m not referring to shopping or sex or eating out at your favorite restaurant. True happiness stems from aligning your life with your values. Happy people don’t always experience happy days, nor does every day come easy for them. But those who commit to a principled and purpose-driven life often find greater and more enduring happiness than those who don’t.
If you neglect your own happiness, you risk losing faith in yourself. And the less faith you have in yourself, the less you can trust your own judgment.
IV.
Self-Sacrifice
Over two years ago, my sister did just about the bravest thing I’ve ever witnessed a person do: she called off her wedding. She chose her own happiness over her ex and the ex-pectations of others. If faced with the choice between my happiness or my newly-minted husband, Hunter, I’d choose happiness, too.
Thankfully for me, I don’t have to choose.
When my sister finally decided to end things for good, she and her then-boyfriend had already planned a weekend hiking trip with friends. While she intended to break things off after they returned, he decided to propose to her—in front of all their friends—on the first night of the trip. When he got down on one knee and asked The Question, what my sister really heard was, “Will you remain unhappy with me or humiliate yourself in front of all of our friends?” She said, “Yes.”
Thankfully for her, she mustered the will to end the engagement.
What’s the point of marrying someone if it costs you your happiness (and sanity, for that matter)? What would you expect to gain from such a relationship? Because other people are focused on their own self-interests, no one else is concerned with your happiness—so you may as well be. There’s no sense in sacrificing your happiness for others, and you should not expect others to do so for you. Why would you want to be in a relationship with an unhappy person? Why would you want to be an unhappy person in a relationship?
If Hunter had to choose between his happiness and me, I’d want him to do what’s right for him. If loving me came at the cost of his happiness, then it was never really love after all.
V.
The Myth of Selflessness
While selflessness is often perceived as a virtue, it can lead to unhappy people. And our society is already made up of too many unhappy people who believe it’s acceptable—honorable even—to sacrifice their happiness for love, and purpose for profits. In the truest sense of the word, self-less-ness means “a loss of self.” A genuinely selfless act is one in which a person’s actions are misaligned from their wants and needs. This includes self-sabotage, self-neglect, and self-sacrifice. When taken to extremes, selflessness can breed resentment, promote exploitation, erode identity, and lead to missed opportunities or dysfunctional relationships.
On the contrary, to be self-ish means to be “of the nature or character of one’s self.” In other words, selfishness is looking out for one’s own self-interest. All people are selfish to one extent or another, and the way in which our selfishness manifests matters.
When most people think of the word “selfish,” they think of someone who is narcissistic, conceited, self-absorbed. Essentially, they think of selfcenteredness. But selfcenteredness is not “of the nature or character of one’s self”—it’s an unhealthy behavior that leads to unhappiness, just like selflessness. Selfishness, if done right, can result in healthy behaviors and happy people. For example, I choose to be brutally honest with my readers because telling the truth makes me feel good. I do so in my own self-interest. Another person may volunteer to mentor disadvantaged youth because helping kids learn makes them feel good.
While our society leads us to believe that we should do good things in the name of “selflessness” and not “self-interest,” what does the motive matter if the outcome is the same? Why should doing the right thing require us to lose ourselves in the process? Oh, wait—it doesn’t. Helping people, living virtuously, forgiving others, and giving to charity makes us feel good. It’s of our nature and character to do these things. It’s comforting, delightful, dare I say, selfish. And thank God we can do things for others and feel good while doing it, too. That, my friends, is true selfishness. And it’s the closest thing we’ve got to heaven on Earth.
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+ I.
Shooting Oneself in the Foot
I’d like to talk about another kind of selfishness—one that often surfaces around the family table during the holidays.