On Success and Boundaries
On Success and Boundaries
Measures of Success, Intangible Aspects, Expansion Heals, Honesty, Boundaries
I.
Measures of Success
Inspired by Is it dumb to quit something I worked hard to get? by Emily McDowell
A few months after I left the corporate job I worked so hard to get, I was on a call with my friend Renata, telling her about all the books I’ve read and the realizations I’ve come to during my sabbatical when she replied with something I’ll never forget: Jen, I don’t know if I have the right word to explain it,* but it feels like you’re expanding.
Her statement felt true (although I, too, did not know how to explain it). I felt more expansive than before. But what did that even mean?
Renata and I met in the corporate world. We were Professional Young Women™ who took to the linear model of growth to validate our worth. And, based on that model, we both did quite well. We outpaced many peers in our age group and were deemed “successful” by societal standards. There was even an approved corporate jargon to describe our development: Progress. But “progress” no longer felt like the right word to describe my trajectory once I left the corporate world. After all, when I quit, I got off the ladder. I was no longer on the map.
While progress and expansion are technically synonyms, both used to describe “growth,” they have distinctly different measurement systems. Progress entails advancing to a higher or better stage, while expansion involves broadening one’s reach or scope. In other words, progress signifies linear movement forward, while expansion suggests a multidimensional unfolding.
During my tenure in the corporate world, my Professional Self™ undeniably experienced growth. Yet, other facets of my being—creativity, love, intuition, spirituality, emotional depth, social connection, intellect—seemingly stagnated. These aspects were immeasurable and, therefore, worthless. “Progress” cared about one thing and one thing only: professional achievement. If I made good money and got a braggable title, I was “growing.”
But people aren’t stock tickers. We’re multidimensional, cosmic beings. We’re designed to expand.
*English is not Renata’s first language, so she’ll sometimes say things like, “I’m not sure if this is the right word.” However, her vocabulary surpasses that of many native speakers, and she consistently picks the best word.
II.
Intangible Aspects
If you’re like me, you’ve clung to the notion of progress because of its simplicity. After all, if your life goal revolves around professional clout, then achieving it is relatively straightforward—climb the ladder and make more money. And two systems are available to measure progress toward your goal: the growth chart and the corporate ladder. If your current employer won’t give you what you need to make progress on your goal, you can find a new one that will.
In contrast to other, more ethereal aspects of our being, the professional part is easy; it’s measurable. Meanwhile, our intangible facets lack clear metrics for progress. If you want better friendships, simply meeting more people or boosting your popularity won’t suffice. Such goals are easily quantifiable by the number of contacts on your phone or your Twitter followers, but our social needs transcend such measurements. You could know hundreds of people and still be lonely, or you could have only a couple of friends that you trust with your life and feel incredibly supported.
While material progress is undoubtedly essential—we need money and stuff to survive—it isn’t the only thing that matters. We are more than just the numbers in our bank accounts and the titles bestowed upon us by our HR department. We are emotional, innovative, spiritual beings, too. And our intangible elements cannot be measured using the same systems that measure tangible progress. They don’t go upward and forward; they expand.
III.
Expansion Heals
When Renata pointed out that I was “expanding,” I was actively engaged in healing. Aspects of myself that I had previously suppressed were coming to light. I was unfolding, opening up, and embracing past traumas I had once concealed (from others and myself).
In my mid-twenties, I gravitated towards professionalism, hoping it would offer an escape from my suffering. I thought a high salary and fancy title would fill the void in my heart and soul. But despite achieving every professional goal I had set for myself—going from a 5-figure salary to a 6-figure one, getting the title of “Director,” doing an MBA—I felt empty and deflated. The dream of achieving wholeness through progress was an illusion.
We all suffer and seek easy solutions. Perhaps you derive more joy from cleaning toilets than sleeping with your spouse, perhaps you boast thousands of Instagram followers but lack any real friends, perhaps you’re trapped in the belief that pharmaceutical solutions will heal psychological wounds, perhaps you spend your days dwelling on past traumas, perhaps you bought into the idea that outward success would make you inwardly whole.
While financial progress can make our lives a little more bearable, it alone cannot ease our suffering. To heal, we must unfold all the lies that we’ve told, we must open up about our past mistakes, and we must embrace every part—the good, bad, and ugly—and bring them to light. Healing is expansive work.
IV.
Honesty
One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
The first step towards healing is honesty. To break free, we must first be completely honest with ourselves. We must confront the emotional anguish we’ve buried and carried. We must face our past, forgive it, accept it, and move on.
As we bring our truth to light, we expand. We emanate a radiance that eludes us when we hide behind a façade of ego. Expressing our truth enables us to resonate and connect with others in ways previously unimaginable, making us feel less alone. When we heal, we become less defined by our progress and more defined by our expansion.
We cannot circumvent our suffering; we must confront it head-on. As Carl Jung writes, we must make the darkness conscious.
V.
Boundaries
Do you know what boundaries are? The best, sanest people on the planet do.
Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things
While expansion, healing, and unveiling our truths are all good and honest work, we’re still humans and we’re going to do dumb, human stuff. We’ll react unfavorably when triggered, inherit coping mechanisms from our parents, and prioritize our own interests in the name of progress and egocentricity.
Ironically, to continue being our most boundless selves, it’s best that we set boundaries.
In Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw describes boundaries as “an internal strength by which a person guards [their] inner space.” He goes on to say that, “Without boundaries, a person has no protection.” While in one of her Dear Sugar letters, Cheryl Strayed writes, “Boundaries teach people how to treat you, and they teach you how to respect yourself.”
Boundaries help us decide how to act (or react) in situations that might otherwise bring out the worst in us. The best, sanest people have boundaries because they realize that, without them, they might close up in adverse situations rather than remain expansive.
As a writer exploring the most inexplicable aspects of humanity (I’m still not sure why this is my topic of choice, but it keeps me engaged), I receive mostly positive responses to my articles, some critical (but helpful!) feedback, and some unnecessarily negative negativity. I don’t profess to have all the answers (I write because I have big questions; not big answers), yet I still get trolls. So, one boundary I recently set is this: When you receive an unnecessarily negative or hurtful comment, don’t respond.
Don’t respond.
Instead of conjuring up all the different ways I could reply—That’s hurtful!/noxious!/ridiculous!/flat-out wrong!—I could just ignore these kinds of comments. Trolls see that you’re expanding, and they derive pleasure in shutting you down. They seek to diminish, to deflate.
We all face trolls who seek to reduce us. Sometimes they are strangers on the internet, sometimes they pose as friends, and sometimes they’re our very own family members. To remain our most boundless, spirited selves, it’s best that we set boundaries between us and these people.
The person in control of your happiness, and your expansion, is you.
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Thank you for reading.
Lastly, a BIG thank you is due to Lynda for your generous support – I’m beyond words!
Really enjoyed this piece Jen. The progress vs expansion discussion helped to shift a paradigm that I have been holding onto in my own life. In some ways I have been waiting for time to pass just to put some distance between me and some choices/changes over the last few years but I have also seen the benefits they have given me. Thinking of that time as “expanding” is quite freeing and makes it more digestible.
Boundaries is such an interesting topic and one I have to work on with so many clients. It’s amazing how impactful they can be to our mental health, yet how incredibly difficult they are for people to hold them when they are in the thick of it.
Thank you Jen. You're brave.
What we measure defines who we become, as people and organizations. Metrics can drive improvement, or the car off of a cliff. Choosing the correct metric is risky business, get it wrong and we're off for a decade.
Also been thinking about boundaries. I, too, had a corporate gig that left me feeling empty, and it was exactly what I had worked very hard to achieve.
Prior to the corporate gig I had enlisted in the Army to escape my circumstances in my hometown, and maybe myself. It was the right choice for me. Finished undergrad/grad school, learned a foreign language in Monterey, lived overseas, and grew up quite a bit-mostly because of boundaries & consequences.
The emptiness of corporate America pushed me back to the military just as the wars were kicking off.
I didn't know it until then that my work needed to matter. The Army in a time of war was meaningful, it mattered, and I loved it.
Didn't want to go to war when I joined, but once I was on the team and war was imminent--I wanted to play my role. Probably an XY thing--but we need to know we are not cowards. Do we have what it takes? Can we can be loyal to our friends, our fellow Soldiers? Can I face down the BIG SCARY. I wasn't afraid of death as much as I was afraid of failing those who counted on me. It is REAL. War is a decade distilled into one year.
War requires an expansive effort, but there is a cost. Drinking Everclear vs vodka.
It is scarier to work as an artist, an entrepreneur, a dreamer--mostly because we do this alone.
Watched Baby Reindeer recently. Do not know if I recommend it. But it has left a mark. I'm still unpacking--but in the end I see it as the logical outcome of no boundaries, incorrect metrics, and an absence or opacity of values. Dark. Patterns, especially negative patterns are especially difficult to drop. Trauma is passed on genetically, and familiar pain is often more attractive than unknown freedom.
This blog leaves me feeling light and hopeful. Baby Reindeer not so much.
bsn