Changes & Challenges & Choices

& a Subscription Update

I.

Change

The only constant in life is change.

Unknown

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Ctrl + A delete

[baby starts crying]

Guess I’ll try again later.

II.

24 Hours Later…

In his essay, Circles, Emerson writes:

Our moods do not believe in each other. To-day I am full of thoughts and can write what I please. I see no reason why I should not have the same thought, the same power of expression, to-morrow. What I write, whilst I write it, seems the most natural thing in the world; but yesterday I saw a dreary vacuity in this direction in which now I see so much; and a month hence, I doubt not, I shall wonder who he was that wrote so many continuous pages. Alas for this infirm faith, this will not strenuous, this vast ebb of a vast flow! I am God in nature; I am a weed by the wall.

Evoe! Epiphanic Emerson; how he has a way of explaining things.

Let’s discuss.

Today, I am full of thought. Yesterday, not so much. In this very moment, I feel the full force of productivity and am writing about what it’s like to exist at the tippy top of this wave of creative energy. In this moment, the burst feels limitless—as if it will continue onwards for days to come and I will bless my dearest readers (and myself) with abundant brilliant ideas into infinity and beyond and thus make up for the past several weeks of silence and stalled momentum. I feel the Universal Source Of All Creativity flowing into my third eye, through my veins, and out my fingertips. Hurrah!

Alas, this feeling won’t last. For the human experience is a continuous oscillation between highs and lows, productivity and repose. Today’s mood is entirely inconsistent with yesterday’s procrastination. And tomorrow will come with a mood entirely of its own.

Our feelings and activities change day to day, and with them, our sense of self. Today, in this very moment, I feel God power—planting my thoughts with intention and care; yesterday, I felt the nothingness of a weed—clawing for ideas in the scrap of soil between sidewalk pavers.

Luckily for me, the baby cooperated both days.

III.

Realization

Growing up, I never imagined myself being a stay-at-home mom. My own mom loved her job—so much so that she put off retirement, until, well, Lord only knows if she will ever retire. But when the time came and I decided to stay home to raise my baby, I never realized just how much time and attention and emotional energy that choice would cost me. I used to think stay-at-home moms were unambitious, idle, privileged.

Boy, was I stupid.

And I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to all stay-at-home moms. And all parents. And all caretakers in general. Nurturing a baby is not easy and it is not idle.

This realization has served as a stark reminder that we (mostly me) should never judge other people for their choices. We have no idea what it’s like to be in another’s shoes. Little did I know that baby Hana would refuse to nap for longer than 10 minutes unless she was in my arms. But little did I know that my capacity for love would grow exponentially during each of those arm-bed naps.

Alas, this won’t last.

Thought or no thought, 5 Big Ideas or no big ideas, this is a rare and fleeting chapter in my life. Just four months ago, I gave birth to a beautiful and curious new being. And just four months ago, that little human was half the size that she is today. Each day brings with it new changes and new challenges. And each day I’m reminded that the efforts of the day prior were 100% worth it.

The sacrifices are 100% worth it.

Maximum comfort

Will nap next to a passing train, as long as I’m in mum’s arms

IV.

Wants & Needs

I want to be in control of my situation, my child, my life.

I want the bestselling book, the securely attached child, the perfect family, the happy homestead.

I want longer days, more hours, ample time.

I want a clear mind, clear direction, undivided attention.

I want it all.

Now.

But I don’t need it all now.

What I need is to be adaptable and attuned to my situation, my child, my life.

What I need is to work on the book proposal, to be present for my family, and to save for the future.

What I need is to be grateful for the time I have.

What I need is to trust that I’m on the right path.

What I need is to make the most of what I’ve got.

V.

Change(d)

Another thing I never imagined myself doing was writing a newsletter. But I did have a dream to write a book or two. The only problem was: I had no experience and no audience.

The newsletter that turned me on to writing newsletters was Charles Eisenstein’s. I saw that he used a platform called “Substack” to publish his essays, so that’s where I went. I spent the first couple months on Substack in stealth mode—testing out the tools of the trade.

From the very beginning, I knew that writing a newsletter was only a stepping stone to becoming the career writer I wanted to be. I had two goals when I first launched 5 Big Ideas: (1) find readers who appreciate my voice and message, and (2) hone my voice and message.

But the more time I spent on Substack, the more my attention shifted towards the “feed” and away from publishing articles. (Wait… this is a social media platform and not just a place to write newsletters?) And because Substack’s business model was to convert newsletter subscribers into paid subscribers, the “feed” prioritized advice and strategies for monetizing newsletters.¹ While my initial aim on Substack was to perfect my craft and prepare myself for book writing, it took a turn towards performance metrics and comparing myself to other creators.

While I was able to make some income from my writing (thank you guys—you know who you are), I worry that my work cheapened when I turned on the “paid subscription” option. I abandoned the work that called to me in favor of content I assumed would attract more visibility. I started writing about politics instead of Providence.

When I first began writing here, I had no intention of “going paid.” In fact, I initially believed it might do more harm to my initial goals than benefit. And while I do want to offer the option for generous readers to support me and my work, I’ve always disliked the idea of a “subscription model” for a newsletter. While I personally make an effort to support the creative endeavors of others, I have no interest in being stuck with another recurring charge on my credit card—so why would I ask that of anyone else?

Much has changed in nearly two years since I launched 5 Big Ideas. But what hasn’t changed are my goals. Though I can’t publish as frequently as before, I will continue sharing sporadic newsletters while working on my book proposal. While I’m incredibly grateful to Substack for helping me reach readers—and for showing me that I can get paid for my writing—I’m considering moving this newsletter to a different publishing platform. Since I’ve accepted recurring subscriptions from readers, that means I must also do the right thing and refund those who’ve paid me in anticipation of a regular newsletter.

If you have any issues with your refund, please reach me at jenhitze@proton.me

Thank you for reading 5 Big Ideas and for supporting my work. I hope you’ll stick around to see what comes next.

1. Substack’s business model is soon changing