How To Be Okay Inside

The Human Condition, B.S., Let It Go, Forgiveness, Vision For The Future, The Bottom Line

I.

The Human Condition

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

Albert Einstein, in a letter to Otto Juliusburger (1946)

Most people are not okay inside most of the time. And when people are not okay inside, they’ll try to control things on the outside so that they remain okay inside. Essentially, people attempt to create an outer world that will not push their inner buttons. They’ll work tirelessly to control their surroundings, their schedules, even other people. This kind of thinking is predictable, but preposterously unproductive. Here’s why:

The main reason why you’re not okay inside is because you’ve suppressed emotions from difficult past experiences within you. Some of those experiences might’ve taken place when you were young and did not yet have the tools and emotional maturity to handle them when they happened. Some of them took place when you had the ability to deal with them, but you chose not to. The feelings were just too difficult to handle in the moment. So, instead of experiencing your emotions fully and letting them pass through you, you pushed them down—and now they reside within you. That’s what happens when you don’t let shit go.

When past feelings are stored within you, they have the ability to resurface whenever you’re triggered (i.e., whenever the outer world pushes your inner buttons). So, in an attempt to avoid getting triggered, you try to control things outside of you. Perhaps you were mistreated by an old friend—gaslit, sabotaged, gossiped about, betrayed by, younameit—and now whenever you go somewhere or do something that you and your friend did together, it reminds you of them and the way you felt when they hurt you. So now you avoid going to places you once frequented and stop doing the things you guys did together. This is an attempt to control the outer world so that your insides don’t get hurt. You stop going to the Thai place or you quit CrossFit because they “trigger” you. But the only reason you feel uncomfortable at these places is because you’ve suppressed the emotions associated with that old friend. You refused to make peace with those past feelings and let them go.

What I’m trying to get at here is that it’s not the outsides that are making you upset. It’s your insides. More specifically, the emotions you’ve suppressed inside. When you do the inner work to accept and let go of your past, you won’t feel the need to control things on the outside. We all make mistakes, we all hurt people, we all feel hurt, we’re all victims of one thing or another, we all suffer. And we all have the ability to make peace with the emotions that resurface from the past and then let them pass. We can be wholly engaged in the present moment rather than reliving our past traumas over and over and over again.

When you clean up the mess you’ve suppressed, you’ll find that the restaurant and gym are just places, like every other place. You’ll realize that your need to control everything around you stemmed from your desire to avoid feeling old feelings that should’ve passed long ago. And when you let old shit go, you might even be able to run into that former friend again at some point in the future and not instantly feel upset inside. You’ll feel at ease because you have unburdened yourself from those old feelings and now you’re okay inside.

II.

B.S.

In yogic philosophy, these suppressed feelings from past experiences are called samskaras. The ancient Upanishad texts describe samskaras as imprints left on the mind or soul by past actions, thoughts, and experiences. Michael A. Singer expands on this in Living Untethered, describing samskaras as energy blockages in the heart center that disrupt the natural upward flow of vital energy to the higher chakras. He writes:

When you use your will to block an experience from passing through, the flow of energy has to find a way to keep moving. Energy can’t stand still. Energy is power, and when it hits the resistance of your will it is forced to circle around itself. That’s the only way energy can stay in one place. The circle is such a powerful form in creation. It allows something to keep moving yet stay stationary. This is how samskaras are formed.

So, essentially, when you don’t let the energy from a difficult emotion pass through you the moment it first arises, that energy spirals around itself and stays stuck within you until you let it go. I find it interesting that people will say they’re “spiraling” when they get triggered. I also find it interesting that rumination is cyclical, too.

But if I refer to suppressed feelings as “samskaras” or “circular energy,” I’ll probably lose a few readers… myself included. So I’ll just refer to them as B.S.

We’ve all got some B.S. inside us, and it resurfaces every time we encounter something that reminds us of whatever difficult experience happened way back when. It’s because of our B.S. that we try to control everything outside of us in an effort to keep it under control—that is, deep down in our subconscious. The reason why B.S. is even there in the first place is because the emotional energy stemming from our past experience was too much for us to handle. We refused to accept it and let it pass through us, and now we get to experience it over and over and over again.

Now that’s a load of B.S.

III.

Let It Go

So how do we relieve ourselves of our B.S.? Well, it’s simple in theory and difficult in practice. B.S. will resurface on its own whenever we’re triggered—so, pretty much on a daily basis—and when it does, we let it go.

When old emotions resurface and your thoughts begin to spiral, don’t engage. Don’t ruminate on what happened in an attempt to process it or brainstorm all the ways you could’ve avoided it. It’s in the past. There’s no do-overs, no second chances, no rewrites. Instead of dwelling on whatever happened and feeling those old feelings over and over and over again, let them go. Willfully detach yourself from those unproductive, spiraling thoughts. Let the emotions rise then pass. Feel them without judgment, and then move on. Accept your past experiences for what they are and own the mistakes that were made, because the only alternative is to entertain your mind’s futile efforts to rewrite what’s already been written in stone. Take what you’ve learned and bring that with you into the future.

Because, let’s be real: More bad shit will come up in life which will cause you to feel all sorts of new hard feelings. There’s no need to hold onto old ones, too.

IV.

Forgiveness

As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.

Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom (1994)

Most people don’t realize that forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. That’s because forgiveness is not about excusing or condoning what happened. It’s about making the conscious choice to relieve yourself of the way those actions made you feel.

When you hold onto resentment, that bitterness lives as B.S. inside you—it’s the emotion from a past experience that you were unable to accept, so you suppress it and allow it to resurface whenever you’re triggered. Hatred, vindictiveness, and resentment only serve to hurt the person who holds these feelings in their heart. Most likely, the person you’re resenting has no idea you’re still hurting. Your emotional pain hurts you, not them.

I recently experienced the paradox of forgiveness firsthand when I phoned an old friend to apologize for holding judgment towards her. Our relationship ended in a slow burn after she sided with another friend over me. After months of no communication, I called her and said, “I just want to let you know that I forgive you and no longer hold any hard feelings toward you. I wish you only good things in life.”

Her reaction made it apparent that she had no clue I had held so much hurt from our fallout. It was also apparent that my grievances were not mutual; she wasn’t holding anything against me. All the spiraling and overthinking I’d put myself through had got me nowhere. It was an utter waste of time and energy. But once I forgave her (and actually meant it), I was set free. The next time I thought about her, and even saw her, there was no pain. Just acceptance.

V.

Vision For The Future

Everyone is looking at the world through their own B.S.—their own blockages, their own suppressed feelings, their own past impressions. It’s only once you begin to release those unresolved feelings when you can start to see clearly.

I’m not trying to downplay the severity of your painful past. Perhaps you were abused or neglected; perhaps you felt unloved, unwanted, or unworthy. Those experiences were very real when they happened and have shaped you into the person you are today. But if you never let go of the emotional weight they left behind, then you will continue to relive them over and over and over again. You will continue to ruminate and spiral. You will continue to live in the past instead of being present in the now. Rather than hurting you once, those difficult experiences will hurt you indefinitely unless you accept them and let them go.

To truly be okay inside, the most important person you must forgive is yourself. Every past is filled with shoulda, coulda, wouldas. But the past is in the past. We cannot go backwards. Rather than replaying errors, dwelling on regrets, and allowing old wounds to dictate your present behavior, try forgiving yourself. You cannot rewrite what has already been written, but, if you’re still alive, your story isn’t over. By forgiving yourself—that is, unburdening yourself of your past feelings—you can turn your life story around. You can be the hero in your own Hero’s Journey.

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+I.

The Bottom Line

The bottom line is that you’re a beautiful being. You’re a being of great love, light, and inspiration. You are made in the image of God. The god who created the whole universe exists inside of you, but you don’t realize that… This is the human predicament, and nothing is going to meaningfully change until you learn to live from a deeper place. To get out of this predicament, you’ve got some work to do, and the work is on yourself. To quote Rumi, the great thirteenth-century Persian poet, “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

Michael A. Singer, Living Untethered (2022)